Hands off My Stomach Gurgles!

Okay, its been a while, and yes, I'm going to drop a blip about stomach gurgles after all this time available to ponder the wonders of the world.
A couple of weeks ago both my wife and I were sick, I mean really, really, influenzy sick. So we were going to bed at ~9:30 and talking a bit in snototonous tones before dozing off. Sadly, but not surprisingly, the only topic that I've retained is that we completely lacked the ability to distinguish whose stomach was gurgling. We both thought that it was our own intestines making the sound. I tried to appologize for a gurgle but my wife quickly reassured me that it was her stomach, not mine. Strange but true--perhaps an effect of the congestion. All I know is that when those gurgles make it back into the atmosphere no one has trouble determining if they are the creator or not.

From the Kitchen of Steven Pinker

I'm currently reading The Stuff of Thought by S. Pinker and it is making my head hurt. The man is completely hacking into our use of verbs as a species. In so doing he is raising (and answering) way more questions than I ever knew existed. It's really quite amazing that all of us can speak as fluently as we can. In fact, I'm starting to think that when we hear a clever phrase, like "there is nothing to fear but fear itself" we have no idea why it's clever at all. Laughing is our shortcut to understanding, the only other option is a dissertation. LOL
Ever heard of polysemous words? They are like homonyms (same word different meaning--remember Austin Powers asking about the "caliber" of women with gun barrells protruding from their chests) except polysemous words have a meaning that is so interchangeable that we rarely even think that it has two (or more) meanings. Take chicken for example, it can be a bird or an edible meat. When someone says that you're having chicken for dinner, though, I'm guessing that you've never conjured an image similar to the one on the right. However, if you were a robot using artificial intelligence there is no way to distinguish between the two concepts without more information. So how do we unconsciously do it? Actually, what I find more interesting is that a 3 year old of low intelligence can do it without effort, while delving into the reasons that it occurs or even realizing that we are taking a mental shortcut is generally left to intellectuals with PhDs. We seem to be wired for communication but not for understanding--and that I think explains a lot of what you see at the bar.
(Incidentally, saying "chicken" to mean cowardly person would be a homonym in case you were wondering, I think.)

Oh, and I appologize for my last rant about RD--a guilty pleasure--not journalistic integrity on my part either. One other random thought came to me about the i before e rule. Is that what Nelly was referring to in Country Grammar by saying: "e i, e i uh-oh"? I doubt it.

Reader's Digest Tells it Like They Think It Is, If and Only If You Agree

I've grown up with RD's usually in the house and have grown fond of their diversity of information and entertainment--but man, when it comes to journalism they are awfully sloppy! (Unless, of course, we are talking about yellow journalism). This morning I read the article "Conserve Your Energy" in the April 08 edition. Yeah, I recommend skipping it. Save your time for more worthwhile endeavors like picking your nose or watching television.
Let me back off the insults for a second and give a synopsis (although this too, by association, will be a bit of wasted time). The article gives tips for being an armchair environmentalist, i.e. "saving the earth" without inconveniencing yourself. Okay, I’m all for hearing that as long as we stick with the premise, environmental stewardship without the fuss. Here are some of my favorite solutions (along with my retorts in parenthesis):
Tip #1: Skip a trip—planes get terrible gas mileage, why not vacation local?! (Because if you cancel that trip to the Maldives to visit Big Star Lake instead your spouse will kill you!—which, I suppose, does cut carbon emissions. See tip #10 for true irony.)
Tip #5: Use cruise control—using cruise control can improve mileage by 7% (Yep, getting <13 instead of 12 miles per in gallon in that Hummer is gonna save the planet!)
Tip #8: Trade in your desktop computer for a laptop with energy efficient screen (WFT, and take 10 minutes to turn your computer on. Stupid laptops, not to mention all the hassle of moving into a new computer.)
Tip #10: Stay Married—divorce increases CO2 production by having fewer people in more homes. (This study was published in Science magazine, however, including it in this article does not give the author any intellectual cred as keeping bad marriages together for the sake of climate change is certainly not convenient, hence violating the initial criteria. Sounds like George Costanza, “This marriage needs to be about something, and fast. Wait a minute, how about climate change!”)
My conclusion, the tips are all over the place and definately not all armchair friendly suggestions. What I can't comprehend is why if the author felt the need to include things like #10 (which clearly violate the rules) why not go all the way with the obvious suggestions: having fewer children, slashing tires, firing squads, cannibalism... Why, I ask? Because RD can't handle the truth, unless you can.
The article also includes a few things not to do, because of their limited environmental benefit, including recycling and purchasing ethanol. So all readers can easily infer that increasing landfill size and not investing in fuels of the future are big thumbs up for environmentalism. Please. Lay off the zeitgeist and get a proofreader.
*Incidentally, the word zeitgeist is awesome and completely debunks that elementary school crap, "i before e except after c." haha

It Begins

I can't think of a less auspicious reason to start a blog than to promulgate a photoshopped image that I just couldn't bear sitting on and giggling over all by myself. However, that truly is the reason for the existence of this blog. Please enjoy the Qatar Heros!